week 2 Prayer of Examen

 Day 1:  Prayerful Noticing

We notice moments of gratitude, peace, joy, irritation, fear, sadness, resistance, compassion, and love. 

We ask: Where was God present? Where was I open to God? Where did I resist God? What might God be inviting me to see?

I find it hard to see the Lord moving in the mundane things - doing the laundry, cleaning up around the place, scrolling on social media, et al.  

This prayer assumes that God is already present in our days. The question is whether we are learning to notice.

Read Foster’s prayer connected to the Examen. 

Spirit of the Living God, You have been with me today, and I thank you. There was sunrise and sunset, and I am grateful for both. Family and friends are gifts of your grace. The creativity to envision new possibilities and the strength to bring them into reality are signs of your action in my life. Thank you, Lord for being with me today. Amen.  (Foster, Prayers from the Heart)

As you read, ask: 

• What does this prayer notice? the gift of each day.  Grandmom Hughes used to always say that tomorrow was promised to no one, and I try to keep that in mind
• What does it receive? 
• How does it hold both gratitude and honesty?  Gratitude I see clearly; honesty?  Implied - the implication being that all things came from the Lord

At the end of the day, pray:

Search me, O God.
Show me where you were present today.
Show me where I was open to you.
Show me where I resisted you.
Lead me in your way.

Reflect:

Do I usually move through my days slowly enough to notice God?

Some days the day is gone before I realize it is going - seems like I wake up, turn around, and it is time to go to bed and I didn't get anything that I thought I was going to do done.  In those days I don't even notice myself, which is why I work hard on sticking to the routine of the Liturgy of the Hours.

Things like that routine and this class I view as exercising a spiritual muscle - we spend so much time talking and thinking about our physical and mental wellbeing that I worry about taking time out for the spiritual.  

What do I tend to remember most easily: blessings, failures, frustrations, or worries?

My failures and shortcomings always come first - things I should've done better, things I shouldn't have done but did, things I should've done but didn't

What might change if I reviewed my day with God instead of by myself?

I don't know how to put myself in God's POV....

A quote that I often repeat instead of blaming God for everything bad that happens in my life and in the world at large:  

Day 2:  Search me

The Prayer of Examen is a way of saying, “God, help me see what you see. Help me recognize both your grace and my need for grace.”

Slowly pray Psalm 139:23–24.
After each line, pause.

Search me, O God, and know my heart.     Pause.
Test me and know my thoughts.                  Pause.
See if there is any harmful way in me.        Pause.
Lead me in the way everlasting.                  Pause.

Then write one sentence:         Today, God may be inviting me to notice________ that all my life I have always been focused on me, my needs/wants/desires, and those within the sphere of my influence that I love

Reflection Questions: 

What feelings come up when I hear the words “Search me, O God”? 

"I swear there ain't no heaven, but I pray there ain't no Hell"  [Blood, Sweat, and Tears]  The Lord knows I struggle with my unbelief, and I worry it offends him

Do I imagine God’s searching as harsh or healing? 

When I said in the group that I worry about a just God because I am not sure I can live with my just deserts, I was quite serious.  I worry about justice and hang onto the idea of mercy/forgiveness.  

My father's family was religiously eclectic - Grandmom use to say that she had Methodists, Lutherans, Episcopalians, and even a Jewish son-in-law praying for her to get into heaven, and one Catholic granddaughter who's job it was to get her into Purgatory.  She was a good woman, but no saint, and deserved to make it in my opinion, but my opinion is not the one that counts.  I still sing her favorite hymn almost every day for her.

I hope with all my heart and soul to be worth of Purgatory - to be given a second chance

Of course, there is always the possibility that this existence IS Purgatory....   

Tommy had a vision of being at the Boardwalk, and with a deep longing ache, I hope he is there whether you call it Heaven or Purgatory

What do I suspect God will find when after searching me?

A deeply flawed human being with lots of good ideas and very little follow through, who followed her impulses then lived with the consequences, ending up as just another cog in the wheel.  Why should He believe in me when I struggle to believe in myself or Him?

And I cried writing this.  There are just no easy answers.

Day 3:  Reviewing the day

Move slowly through these five steps
Take a few breaths. Remember that God is with you.

Name one moment, gift, person, or grace from the day.

I was able to leave a large tip for a waiter who was being very kind and helpful, and to see his smile when he found it

Walk back through the day from morning to evening. Notice what stands out.

I got lost trying to take an alternate route home from Towson and find a Bob Evans that was open - usually that upsets me a great deal but today I just pulled over, pulled up Google maps and found my way back without getting all worked out

Where did you feel alive, grateful, peaceful, loving, or open?

I took some time off from work, and not having the pressure of having to get up every day with that blasted alarm has made a great deal of difference 

Where did you feel tense, resentful, afraid, distracted, or closed?

I had an embarrassing potty accident - seriously frustrated that I couldn't hold it for two more minutes until I got into the bathroom and then had to clean up the mess

Offer one honest prayer about what you noticed.

Lord I have much to be thankful for today and forgive me that I didn't express that gratitude for things as they came.  The pulmonary test came back normal.  The traffic didn't upset me.  I made the server smile.  My apartment felt cozy and comforting and altho I was alone, I did not feel lonely.  Thank you for such an ordinary, routine day.  

End with:
God, thank you for being present in this day.
Help me receive what was grace.
Help me learn from what was difficult.
Lead me tomorrow.
Amen.

Day 4:  When It's Hard

Pray this slowly:

God, help me look back with mercy.

Show me what I need to see.

Protect me from shame.

Protect me from denial.

Lead me in truth and love.

Then name one grace and one struggle from the day.

One grace: I had to do a lot of driving today - and the morning started off with a near miss of an accident that was my fault.  I gave thanks and asked for help, and altho there was a lot of traffic, it was actually easy driving the rest of the day

I actually got to spend some time with my daughter as a person - those days are very rare 

One struggle: It breaks my heart to see my daughter in such anguish and in such a difficult situation and to know my grandkids are so hurt that I fear they will carry these scars throughout their lives

Reflection Questions: 

What makes it hard for me to look back over my day? 

Trying to be objective, trying not to make everything about me

Do I tend to ignore my failures or obsess over them?

oh obsess, definitely obsess

 

What part of my day did I not want to bring to God? 

my fiscal irresponsibility

Where did I notice grace, even in something difficult?

I was able to listen empathetically and actively, if not very helpfully.....

Day 5:  Paying attention

Choose one ordinary moment today and pause long enough to notice it.

Examples:

Before eating:   God, help me receive this as gift.

After a conversation:  God, what was happening in me?

When irritated:  God, what is this revealing?

Before sleep:   God, show me where you were today.

At the end of the day, pray a short Examen using three questions:

Where did I notice grace today?

sounds silly I guess, but I was happy not to have to be anywhere

Where did I resist grace today?

like a petulant child, I didn't want to take a nap when I needed it

What grace do I need for tomorrow?

patience, empathy, understanding to enable me to help effectively

End with:

Search me, O God, and lead me.

Amen.

REFLECION:

What pattern did I notice in myself this week?

This felt awkward, more like an assignment this week.  When I tried to look back, I could feel myself thinking/justifying that nothing had happened worth noting 

Where did I become more aware of God’s presence?

What ordinary moment might I have missed if I had not been paying attention?

The fact that I was driving in traffic after losing my bearings without panicking or getting upset with myself was definitely a moment of grace

How could the Examen help me recognize my God stories more clearly?