one day at a time

 Today is the 3rd day in the 29th week, the 15th day of the 7th month, the 196th day of 2025, and:

• Arctic Sea Ice Day
• Day of Ukrainian Statehood - celebrating their independence from the Soviet Union since 1991.  This day was selected on the day of the christianization of their country in 988 
• Gummi Worm Day
• I Love Horses Day
• National Be a Dork Day
• National Clean Beauty Day
• National Give Something Away Day
• National Pet Fire Safety Day
• National Respect Canada Day
• National Tapioca Pudding Day
• Orange Chicken Day
• Saint Swithin's Day - the feast day of Saint Swithun, who is the patron saint of Winchester Cathedral.  According to tradition, if it rains on St Swithun's bridge on this day, then it will rain for the next 40 days
• Social Media Giving Day
• World Youth Skills Day
• the moon is waning gibbous and 77% of full
• and Voyager 1 is ~23h 08m 21s of light travel time from Earth

Paarl, South Africa
Bing wallpaper of the day

Quote of the day:

"We all sit in the mud... and reach for the stars."

~ Ivan Turgenev - Russian novelist, short story writer, poet, playwright, translator and popularizer of Russian literature in the West

Yesterday was harder than I thought it would be, I have to admit.  Having Tommy's birthday come up just 2 1/2 weeks after his death, when the loss is still fresh and raw, resulted in a lot of angst.  The night before was an extremely restless one and I didn't get much sleep.  Fortunately I was able to work from home, and work was quite demanding, albeit too routine to keep me engaged, so I stayed occupied at least, and even was able to snatch a nap at lunchtime.  

Bonita, who has been a part of my life since we met in the first grade, sensed that all was not well, and in the early afternoon, I received this very fragrant bouquet with a simple note that said she knew it was going to be a difficult day and was thinking about me.  Can't say it cheered me up, but it did provide some heart's ease at a difficult time.  

One of the memories that surfaced yesterday was this picture, taken on his birthday back in 2021,  when for the first time in decades, Tommy was home for his birthday.  It was a good time - the pandemic was over, Biden was president, and Tommy had made it successfully through the chemo and radiation treatments for the colorectal cancer, even managing to stay employed throughout the shutdown and the treatments.  He was flush from his successful bout with the dread "big C' and had driven my new car [well new to me, it was a used car that I bought from Bryan] from Nashville.  We spent the week just visiting with each other and his sister, talking, sharing stories, enjoying each other's company.  

Then he drove back home, promising to be back for Christmas, a promise he couldn't keep until December 2024.  In September when he went for a follow-up MRI, they found that the cancer had indeed been wiped out of his colon, but had metastasized to his lungs.   The fight for life began again - but this time we all knew it was actually a play for time, there would be no "victory" but we hoped for a remission.  The chemo put him on disability as he was no longer able to function at work, so he at least enjoyed some leisure time when not ill.   Both Tommy and Gem used to tease me that both of my kids were "retired" while I was still working.

And now he is gone.  At least we are all thankful the end was not protracted - they gave him 90+ days, but he was only in the hospice for 10 days before boarding his train to the Boardwalk.  And we still have happy memories to treasure, even of laughing before having to say goodbye....

So, how am I doing?  Rough - and I feel a little guilty in a way because I know I am not the only mother who has had to bury a beloved child, and at least I have known for sometime that this loss would come sooner rather than later.  Cheryl reminded me on Sunday that her grandmother buried her aunt [who died in a car accident] and her mother buried her son, [Cheryl's brother who committed suicide].  At least, she pointed out, that completed the tale of three for the family, and therefore she and Gem should be safe from such sorrows.

Knowing that is cold comfort, but comfort nevertheless.  

So I am taking it one day, one step at a time.  I've been granted the space to not be brave and hold it together, for which I am quite grateful...