carrying too much

 Today is the 5th day of the 49th week, the 5th day of the 12th month, the 340th day of 2024, and:

• AFL-CIO Day
• Bathtub Party Day
• Columbian International Day of the Reef
• Day of the Ninja
• International Volunteer Day 
• International Volunteer Day for Economic & Social Development
• Krampusnacht - sometimes also called Saint Nicholas' Eve 
• National Blue Jeans Day
• National Comfort Food Day
• National Communicate With Your Kids Day
• National Sacher Torte Day [AKA Sachertorte Day]
• Repeal [of Prohibition] Day - saying goodbye to the 18th Constitutional Amendment which supposedly made the entire US citizenry teetotallers 
• World Soil Day
• and Voyager 1 is ~23h 02m 36s of light travel time from Earth, or 24,870,000,000 km / 15,453,000,000 miles / 166.243 AU

Quote of the day:

"Mothers and children are human beings, and they will sometimes to the wrong thing."

~ Maurice Sendak, American author and illustrator of children's books, best know for Where the Wild Things Are 

"A Mother's Love"
part of a performance by the
Octubre Cultural Association

Today I was greeted on Facebook with a story about a mother who went from being something of a control freak to being very laid back - and how her kids were concerned that she was doing some sort of mood changing drug so they confronted her and got a little speech about how she declared them all independent adults who owned their own problems.   It's pretty long, so I'm not going to share it here, but if you are interested, you can read it there.  I was also fascinated with the picture used to illustrate the weight on the mother's shoulders, and did a bit of digging to find out where it came from, learning that it was part of a larger display [or performance as they called it] to raise awareness of the importance of gender equality.

It really is disheartening when you learn what your limitations are as a parent.  

My son learned at a very early age that Mommy and Daddy couldn't stop bad things from happening when he had to go into surgery twice - at three [he turned four in the hospital] for open heart surgery and then again at five when he needed help breathing because the scar tissue from that surgery coupled with the pectus excavatum was squeezing his lungs.    He was an extremely intelligent boy and decided that he would control things after that, which made for many pitched battle royales.

He won twice despite my best efforts.  In the 2nd grade, he decided that he didn't want to be in the high track of school, figuring being thought stupid would result in an easier time of it.  He stopped answering questions in class, said "I don't know" a lot and acted up, so the school tracked him lower.  No matter how many times I told them he was manipulating them, they didn't believe me.   There was nothing I could do.  Then, in 7th grade, he made up his mind not to do any homework or study.  This is when I found out that if a kid is willing to accept the consequences of punishment, there is absolutely no way that a parent can make a kid do either.  Things were pretty miserable in our home and there was a lot of yelling.  Fortunately, we went to family therapy. 

 I remember the therapist's first name, and Steve finally took me aside and asked me why I was so furious with my son.  "He's ruining his life!"  I ranted.  Just like he had done earlier in 2nd grade he was making decisions without understanding the long range consequences to his future...  Steve stopped me and asked who was going to suffer those consequences.  I started to cry and said that my son would and there was nothing I could do to protect him from them.    He agreed with me.

And so, after a long talk and many tears, I finally internalized that reality and accepted that my kids' choices were theirs, not mine.  

It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Now, I weep over and worry about my kids, but I accept that just as I made my choices and had to abide the consequences, both fair and unfair, they have to do the same.   All I can do is give them unconditional love and be here.  

I hope it is enough.