TGIF in April 2024

 Today is the 6th day of the 16th week, the 19th day of the 4th month, the 110th day of 2024 [with only 249 shopping days left until Christmas], and:

• Bicycle Day
• Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Action Day
• Education and Sharing Day
• Humorous Day
• John Parker Day
• National Amaretto Day
• National Chicken Parmesan Day
• National Clean Out Your Medicine Cabinet Day
• National Garlic Day
• National Hanging Out Day
• National North Dakota Day
• National Poker Day
• Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day 
• Rice Ball Day
• and Voyager I is 15,124,980,931 mi/24,341,304,841 km/162.71157288 AU from the Earth after traveling 46 Yrs 07 Mos 14 Days

Quote of the day:

"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes."

~  Oscar Wilde

Two hours and 38 minutes.

That's how long I was on the phone last night with my friend.  

The conversation had turned to the past as we discussed all the reasons the lawyers would refuse either of us as a juror for the NY trial of #45 which is so much in the news.   You see, as she doesn't get out much, is retired, and is intensely interested in both law and politics, she avidly follows the political and legal landscapes and our conversation often turns to the issues of the day, sometimes contributing to my sense of impending doom. But I digress....

We started talking about the past,  Inevitably, it got dark, at least for me this time around.  I recalled in detail a horrible incident with my daughter, one that haunts me to this day.  Oh, if I could go back in time, I would still have that conversation with her, because it needed doing, but the look on her face....   It is the only time I have actually seen the color drain completely out of another visage and it is devastating to remember.

The chat veered off into the value of therapy.  of late, I have considered going into some form of therapy more than once, but have been stymied by [1] what my insurance will cover, [2] finding a therapist in my area who is not completely scheduled up, and [3] most want to schedule in person sessions during the day while I am working.  In addition, when I have tried reaching out in the past - family therapy when my son was younger and dealing with a father who wanted visitation rights but did not respect his needs, grief therapy when Frank died and when the problems with my mother surfaced, going to more than one  parish priest for help.  For me, none of these things were very efficacious at the time and I am not inclined to repeat the experiences.

On the other hand?  I remember vividly the college counselor who made me realize that I always had a choice - that was a blinding revelation that helped me shape my response to many problems.  And one family counselor managed to make me see that my kid's actions or failures were theirs, not mine and to stop reacting as though their actions were a reflection on me and realize that even though I knew they were making poor choices, I couldn't stop them from doing so.  Both times, the tangle of my emotions were sorted out and calmed by the questions I was asked at the time by a professional, questions friends that I spoke to, empathetic and caring as they were, had not the training to ask.  

I am aware of the heavy burden from the past, but in many ways, I don't feel that is much different from anyone else throughout time.  There were choices made that created consequences [some anticipated, some not], and I have to live with both the action and the result.  Everyone does, although I do feel that by acknowledging my agency in making those choices gives me a handle on them [it is only fair to add that my friend disagrees with my assessment that I am able to handle the stress, precisely because she knows the cost].  But I cannot change the past - all I can do is accept what has been.  I have tried to learn from my mistakes and make sure I don't repeat them, as well as make what amends to those I hurt as I can.

As for the current stresses that have me thinking again of therapy?  

Neither my son nor my daughter deserve the hand fate has dealt them and it is heartbreaking as there is absolutely nothing I can do to help either of them.  I am struggling to improve my health and wellbeing, and cannot afford to retire.  And I am worried about the world my granddaughters will have to deal with.  There are limited things that are within either my sphere of control or realm of influence, and that is always hard to accept when you don't like what is going on.  I find myself whining that it just isn't fair, and then am minded of what I learned long ago - Life is not Fair.

But, it is Friday.  I have labored for five days and 40 hours, so have 48 hours in which to enjoy the fruits of said labor.  

Bossman has accepted my PTO requests for a couple days off in May and June, as well as the day off after July 4th.

And Triscuit is not the slightest bit worried about the cooler temps, the cloudy skies, the pollen count, or the fact that there is neither any heat in the building nor plans announced to turn on the A/C.  

Spring, hot weather, politics, retirement plans, moving, family woes, work, whether or not guardian angels wear blue polyester leisure suits, or am I going to cave and bundle HULU because I want to watch Shogun, can all be tucked away as TGIF takes over!