Day 88 - the EOQ approachth

 Today is the 4th day of the 13th week, the 29th day of the 3rd month, the 88th day of 2023, and:

• Knights of Columbus Founder's Day
• Manatee Appreciation Day
• National Lemon Chiffon Cake Day
• National Little Red Wagon Day
• National Mom and Pop Business Owners Day
• National Vietnam War Veterans Day
• Niagraa Falls Runs Dry Day
• Piano Day [always observed on the 88th day of the year]
• Smoke and Mirrors Day
• Texas Love the Children Day

Quote of the day:

" In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility."

~  Eleanor Roosevelt, First Lady [rom 1933 to 1945, the longest-serving because Roosevelt had four terms], diplomat, pacifist and activist.

One of the blogs I follow is currently offering an "essay camp" with daily readings and exercises, in which I am participating altho I am not quite sure what differentiates a blog post from an essay.  Apparently I will learn what constitutes an essay VS a blog VS a short story, etc down the road a bit, but right now they are concentrating on the task of writing every day - easily done as I am about 24% through my 2023 resolution to post daily.  If you don't know what to write about, they give you a list of prompts to try and spark your creative lights flickering - and one of them today was:  "Write about a road not taken"

Which led me to one of the things I used to say to my kids that I really hated - in fact, they still do even while admitting it's true.

"You have a choice"

When pushed, when contradicted and told "I don't have a choice", I would invariably reply: "You always have a choice.  You may not like the alternatives you have, or they may not be acceptable to you, but you always have alternatives."  

This is something I learned while I was in college.  I don't remember what the circumstances were, or what year it was.  I just remember sitting in the counselors office pouring my heart out, crying my eyes out, telling....   I don't even remember whether the counselor was a him or her ....    I just started pouring out my story about my dysfunctional family, about the stress of being an only child, about the stress of being an only grandchild on my maternal side and the oldest grandchild on the paternal side, and how every single parent and grandmother each were demanding I do different things and I didn't know what I was going to do or how I was going to handle it because no matter what I did to someone it would be wrong or they would be hurt or ....

After what seemed like hours of whining and raging and tears, I finally ran down, a soggy mess sitting huddled in the chair, and the counselor was able to get a word in edgewise.  They said:  "what do you want"

Cold stop.  Silence.  I stared at them and asked:  "What do you mean?"

"What do you want?"  

Suddenly the tears dried up.  I remember straightening and looking them right in the eye, and starting out "What do I want?  If I had a choice...."

"You do"  

Blank stare.  They stared back.  Blinking, the thought crossed my mind they didn't comprehend how complicated it all was, but they had heard everything I said...

It only took a minute.  I dried my eyes, stood up, said "thank you for your time and for listening" and left.  Just like I don't remember what the problem was, I don't remember what I did, or what the fall out was. 

With one simple question, the therapist had flooded me with a new revelation.  It was in that moment, staring at the counselor,  I realized making a choice just meant accepting the consequences.  I remember realizing there was always a choice, when I said there wasn't, it was because I didn't like the ramifications of some of the alternatives.  Someone was going to get their panties in a twist and once I accepted that as a fact, then it was time I started to either decide things for me or live my life by adhering to family expectations.  

So, I always have a choice.  Over the years, I have expanded that simple statement considerably:

• I may not like my alternatives but choices are a risk VS reward analysis.  For examples  I could choose not to look both ways when I cross a busy street - but that means I am choosing to risk being killed by a car instead of making it to the other side.   
• The laws of physics needed to be modified for relationship:  For every action there is an opposite and not necessarily equal reaction.  A little thing [to you] may blow up in your face; a big thing [to you] may go entirely unnoticed.  
• The consequences,  anticipated and unanticipated, belong to you.  Not your mother, not your father, not your teacher, not someone you read on social media, not the Church - you made the choice.  Live with it.
• Some choices are irrevocable - and unfortunately you can't always see those coming but realize it only using hindsight

I've made poor choices, this is when you have to forgive yourself because you did the best you could with the information and the person you were at that time.  I've made choices that others have had to live with too because it impacted them - no one is an island.  I've made a few choices that I wish so intently that I had done differently at that moment that they have become regrets.  

But thanks to that nameless, faceless counselor's response to me, the choices I have made are mine.  I own them and my choices have made me the person I am today a half of century or so later.

I wonder what kind of person I would be if I had not gone for advice that day.