Day 77 - the need to forgive

Today is the 7th day of the 11th week, the 18th day of the 3rd month, the 77th day of 2023, and:

•  Awkward Memories Day (( did you really dance on the table after drinking all the green beer last night? ))
• Forgive Mom and Dad Day
• Global Recycling Day
• Goddess of Fertility Day
• International Sports Car Racing Day
• Kiss Your Fiancé Day
• Maple Syrup Saturday
• National Biodiesel Day
• National Corndog Day
• National Lacy Oatmeal Cookie Day
• National Public Defense Day
• National Sloppy Joe Day
• Play-the-Recorder Day
• Save The Panther Day
• Supreme Sacrifice Day
• Worldwide Quilting Day

Quote of the day:

"Honor your mother and father"

~ the 5th commandment, Exodus 20: 3-17

"I think every family is dysfunctional, and some manage to control it better than others."

~  Viggo Mortensen, American actor, writer, director, producer, musician, and multimedia artist

First off, let's admit that parenting is hard.  You suddenly have the total responsibility for another being that you brought into the world.  You look down on that little human, and immediately get overwhelmed because they don't come with a manual.  There are plenty of places to find out how to administer to their physical well-being, so that isn't the problem, but how do you nurture a mind and spirit?  Lots of differing points of view on that, so you try your best and just keep ploughing ahead somehow, muddling through, hoping you aren't doing more damage than good, praying that baby will grow up to be a decent [by your definitions], normal [whatever that is], functioning [able to take care of theirself] adult.  

Second of all, you realize pretty early on, you're going to fail at least in some regard.  No matter how supportive you are, something you do [whether deliberately or inadvertently] along the lines is going to create a scar on that child's psyche.  The person who boasts of the happiest childhood will still tell the story of how when they are parents, they will never do that to their kids!

Third?  You don't know really how you're doing until the person had become an adult.   Along the process from baby to teenager, every family has rough patches; every parent does things they regret along the way.  You all, everyone in the family, copes as best as they can.

AND you get to do all this while trying to be a full ranged person yourself [not just a parent], dealing with your own needs, hopes, dreams, and other relationships.  

After all is said and done, not every parent/child relationship survives in the process.  Some things cannot be changed or mended with the passing of time.  The question is, do you need to forgive your parents?  

I have talked with and cried with both of my kids.  My failures as a mother, the things that I know I did wrong, the things that I didn't realize at the time were hurtful, have been rummaged through more than once as we try to understand what was going on [for them and for me].  It isn't an easy or comfortable process - even visiting them again in thought is painful and I well up with tears as I am writing this.  But my kids and I have a bond still, and I am still a part of their lives.

Both of my parents are gone; I have been an orphan for a decade now.  I never had these conversations with either of them, never felt that we were able to gain closure on the bruises on my psyche that still make me wince when I reflect on them.  So, do I NEED to forgive them?   

My religion says yes - if I want forgiveness myself, then I have to give forgiveness.  Forgiveness needs to unconditional - whether or not there was remorse or understanding, the latter being what I need for closure.  I know that having just one child meant my parents' expectations of me were unreasonable, and understand that was not their fault.  I know how difficult being a parent can be.  

A very long time ago, I accepted responsibility for my choices, especially the irrevocable ones, and accepted that my choices made me the person I am today.  My parents' decisions may have set the options that were available to me, but it is I who made the choices, and abide with the consequences.

I think I have forgiven my father, after all, he wasn't around as much.  Traditional 50's family - he worked, played sports, slept on the sofa.  We would've interacted more if I had been athletic, but a bookworm/nerd daughter was not something he could relate to, and I didn't even hold his desertion when I was 13 against him. 

But my mother and I had a more complicated history.   I don't understand her decisions or her reasoning for some of her actions, I only know how they impacted me.  I don't blame her for the outcomes, but do I need to forgive her for the scars and bruises that seem never to heal?  Will they heal if I forgive, or will I be able to forgive if they heal?  Is forgiveness a conscious act?

It is something I apparently need to work on....