2026 Essay Camp #2

 Today as I walked from my car to the office, I heard the sound of the train, clacking tracks and sounding its whistle.

And I cried - it always makes me cry now

And I once again prayed that my choice on the night of June 25th last year was the right one.  

Tommy had his final seizure around 3PM.  Bryan, who was staying in the hospice room with him notified Gem and I that it was bad, really bad.  

At that point, I could've dropped everything and rushed to Nashville....

And I didn't.  

I was afraid that if Tommy knew I was coming, he would hold on until I got there, and I didn't want him to do that, even knowing it was one of those irrevocable choices that would haunt me.  I feared if Tommy thought I [and maybe Gem too] was on the way, he would've kept struggling and I knew he was so tired and was afraid of missing his door to the Boardwalk [which was coming on a train in his vision], and I didn't want that.

By 8PM Tommy was in a light coma.  I called Bryan about an hour later.  He set his phone next to Tommy's ear, and I sang my son his lullaby one last time, and told him that if his train came and he saw his door, he was to go - and at 2:28 AM on the 26th, he did.  

Bryan doesn't think there was enough time for me to get to Nashville and to the hospice; I think there might've been and I could've been there for my son's last breath as I was for his first.  Bryan also claims that Tommy heard me, that as I sang his lullaby, a tear ran down his cheek, and that right after my call telling him it was okay to go, Tommy's body relaxed and he went into a deep coma with agonal breathing.  I can only hope Bryan is right about that and Tommy did hear me.  Bryan very kindly went back into the room and took a last picture of Tommy because I begged to see my son one more time....

I was there the next morning and we went back to the hospice that afternoon.  Tommy was gone, and the room already occupied by a new patient.  The grief counselor at the hospice had spoken during Tommy's stay to all of us about the need to give the patient the freedom to move on; she told Bryan and I that giving Tommy the permission to go eased his going.  I can only hope so.

It was the most difficult choice I have ever made    

And every time I hear the wail of the train whistle, the tears start as I beg Tommy to tell me it was the right choice.